Welcome to the second installment of my 4-part blog series entitled, “4 Lies Single Women Believe About Sex.” Each post is written so that you can jump in at any point, but If you’d like to read the first post, you can do so right here.
These days everyone is a self-professed love guru, so we pick up tips and methods here and there to construct our own personal plan to successfully land a lasting, functional relationship. One method I’ve seen employed heavily is using sex to usher someone into marriage. Despite its record-breaking failure rate, we keep practicing premarital sex and hoping for a different outcome. In today’s post, we’re going to call out this faulty formula for what it is: insanity. Read on, my friend.
Lie #2 | Sex leads to marriage
I vividly remember sitting next to him on the couch, and inviting him to fantasize with me about the future. Our future. Except… he starkly told me that there wasn’t going to be a future. There wasn’t going to be an us. I felt cheated. All those years of saving myself for marriage –he knew when he asked what my expectation was– and that beautiful, innocent, irreplaceable part of myself was gambled, ruined, wasted on a guy who might have had affections for me, but never intended to fulfill that expectation: “us.”
Why didn’t I leave? Now that I knew that there wasn’t going to be an “us,” why did I stay? The same reason that girl that sits next to you in class stays, the same reason your co-worker stays, the same reason your cousin stays, and the same reason perhaps you even stay. I thought: “Sex will change his mind, because sex leads to marriage, right? And now that I’m ruined where else will I go? Who else would want me?”
I wish I could go back and tell myself –sobbing uncontrollably, undone, and slain across the bathroom floor– “Nia, marriage doesn’t lead to wholeness, and sex doesn’t lead to marriage. You lost your wager, but you are not damaged goods. You’ve lost your virginity, but God can restore your purity. Now wipe your tears and leave, because Love is waiting for you, and you are already years late for your appointment.”
While it’s tempting to play the role of a victim, I was just as guilty as he was. My willingness to yield a gift that belonged to my future husband, my own lust and desire, and my casual attitude about displeasing God with my body (especially as someone who considered herself a ‘good Christian’) were 3 witnesses that testified to my guilt everyday in the tucked away corners of my consciousness.
But God’s way –waiting, abstinence, practicing sexual purity, whatever bow and label you want to give it– just didn’t compute. It went against every instinct I had concerning relationships. I’d seen my way work so well in all of the movies, in the love songs, and for the pretty girls at school. Why couldn’t this formula work for me?
Months after my episode in the bathroom –as I was walking home alone one disappointing and lonely afternoon– God opened my eyes to see the bait and switch in my method to marriage.
The bait: “Sex will help you keep your man.”
Was that true? No. After the curtains come up, the love song is over, and the pretty girls at school go through the next season of life, they are alone. It was foolish of me to forget that.
The switch: “You’ve messed up now. You’re ruined. Now you’ll have to try harder to change his mind, or find someone who’ll love you now.”
By the time you learn you’ve been bamboozled into a sinful, addictive, & unfulfilling relationship, you feel you’ve invested too much of yourself to let it go. You’ve played all of your trump cards, and you’re not sure if the rest of your hand will hold in the next round. When all is said and done, you’re right back at the start, alone and feeling disadvantaged.
And the cycle continues.
But it doesn’t have to. Before you come undone in your bathroom like I did, or if you’re already there right now, I want you to know, Sis, that marriage doesn’t lead to wholeness, and sex doesn’t lead to marriage. You may have lost your wager, but you are not damaged goods. You may have lost your virginity, but God can restore your purity. Now wipe your tears and leave –that ungodly relationship, that lifestyle of sin, that temporary pleasure that drains you more and more every time you engage in it– because Love is waiting for you, and you’re already years late for your appointment.”
If you want to experience wholeness and unconditional love, if you’re tired of worrying if you’re going to be abandoned or wondering “Am I truly loved?,” I invite you to enter a relationship with God on His terms. If we’re honest there’s more broken about us then our sexualities, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Our hearts are galaxies away from God, and there’s so much for Him to forgive in each of our lives.
Today, you have the opportunity to surrender all of that to Jesus. Your sin –every action, behavior, & attitude of your heart that does not meet God’s standard of moral perfection— separates you from God. Jesus came to be your mediator. God himself came in human flesh to fulfill all of His own laws that you have broken, His broken body was the payment that you owed for your sin, and His resurrection was the proof that He was God and that His work on the cross would cover up your filth. Now you have the same opportunity I had years ago: to let go of your faulty methods of finding meaning, value, and joy in your life. I invite you to acknowledge your sin to Jesus, to ask Him for His forgiveness, healing, and love to invade your heart and your life, and to place your trust in Him as your Savior.
One word of caution as you consider starting a relationship with Jesus. Jesus will not make your life easier. Most times He comes in like a very loving, wrecking ball. So if you’re just looking for an emotional escape, placing your faith in Christ is not for you. However, if you’re honestly fed up with being separated from God because of your sin, and you want to start receiving His unconditional love, then I’d say “Prepare to have the proverbial structures of your life torn down and rebuilt, but hey! You’re going to love the place when He’s done.”
If that sounds like something you want for yourself, you can pray this simple prayer:
God I am a sinner. Please forgive me. I want Jesus to be my Savior. Walk with me everyday, God, so that I know that I am not alone and that you love me. Thank you. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
(If you’ve decided to start a relationship with Jesus, please let me know by emailing me at TitaniaPaige@LifeBeforeEternity.com. I’ve prepared a free course to help you navigate the fundamentals of your new faith right here. Check it out.)
In what ways do you find yourself or others caught up in the bait & switch of premarital sex? Continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.