You’ve been taught to use sex as leverage to get what you want your entire life . Now you’re asking yourself, “What will sexual purity do for me?” You know the Bible verses, you know that God disapproves, but what you don’t know is: “Can I trust God to provide the love, intimacy, and wholeness that I’m desperately seeking in my sexual relationships? Sure the satisfaction is fickle and temporary, but at least it’s tangible.” Over the next four weeks, I’m going to unpack 4 lies single women believe about sex, along with truths that God has personally taught me in the heat of my own wrestling match with abstinence. Let’s begin.
Lie #1 | “Sex is what you do when you’re in love.”
I never intended to lose my virginity before marriage, but after experiencing what I thought was unmistakable proof that my boyfriend and I would be married we had sex. That’s what you do when you’re in love, right? Yes, I knew it was wrong. “But isn’t the sinful part of premarital sex the sleazy part? When it’s just a one-night stand or when you’re doing it with everyone under the sun?” This narrative helped me sleep at night, when reality started setting in.
Doesn’t God understand that we’re living in the twenty first century ―a time when sex is used to sell even hamburgers? How does He expect me to get married if I can’t fulfil the bare minimum cultural expectation of sex in my relationship? I hope that you never experience this truth firsthand, Sis, but sex is not an anchor to hold down a man.
Who, What, When, Where, & How Sex
Sex is God’s gift to married couples and His tool to create life. When we try to use sex in ways it wasn’t created to function, we get burned. I sure did. Picture a depression so heavy that you’d do anything to make it stop. Maybe you’re living that, or maybe you’re getting ready to tip that scale now. I urge you from the deepest place in my heart: Stop. Get an understanding of how to enjoy God’s gift of intimacy while you still have the chance.
We experience the best sex when we embrace all of its functions and cultivate the context it was created for. Pleasure is not the end of sex. It’s one piece of God’s bigger picture in building the Church. Your body belongs to the Lord (1 Corinthians 16:13-20), and according to His pleasure He will join you with a spouse. Sex joins you both together as one flesh (Genesis 2:24), and the fruit of that union is the blessing of children. Ideally, these babies grow in the wisdom, love, and fear of the Lord and become the next generation of disciples of Jesus Christ.
Once we step out of God’s parameters for sex, can we really complain when we experience negative consequences that were never a part of God’s perfect plan, i.e., unplanned pregnancies, STDs, the pain of broken relationships, or when it fails to achieve our desired outcomes? No. I flunked sexual purity myself, and it’s only by God’s grace that I escaped with years of heartache alone. Others haven’t been so lucky. Using sex as an anchor to hold down a man or as leverage to obtain something you desire could result in unplanned parenthood, abortion, disease, depression, missed opportunities, and financial difficulty. Our past and even our present consequences can be totally redeemed by God, but,Sister, by no means allow yourself to be put in those positions.
The Best Sex
You can experience the best sex when you enjoy it according to God’s prescription. Though both my husband, Gerald, and I had previously failed at purity in our past relationships, as Christians we decided to pursue marriage (and consequently sex) God’s way. Now that my bed wasn’t a place to receive a temporary sense of worth, now that my covers didn’t blanket me in guilt and shame, and now that I didn’t have to fear that my other half would abandon me, I was finally able to experience love untainted, free, and unashamed with my husband. That love can’t be communicated through a sex scene in a movie, or by the lyrics in a raunchy song, or by anything else for that matter…except that is: the love between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:32). Despite how you may feel in this moment, you can experience this love too if you choose to trust God with your sexuality.
I used to think that sex is what you do when you’re in “love,” but now I know that sex is what you do when you’re married.
Can you identify with my experience? How can an understanding of God’s love help us distinguish between the biblical definition of “love” & “passionate lust”? Continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.